Finally i've realized that life is much more than some marks in a subject, some deadline for a project, buying your dream car or a dream house. It is much more than proving yourself in front of the entire world. I've come to a point in life where i have rejected most of the notions which were in my mind regarding life. But the question remains unanswered - what is life?

Growing up in a common middle class family, i thought life was all about securing a regular pay check to survive each month. Once this goal was met, my definition of life changed. It was all about pursuing my career goals. Once met, you hop onto the next goal, a step higher this time. But life isn't meant to achieve these goals set by society. 

After reaching a certain career goal, you realize this is a never ending race. You would keep running this race till your last breath. Life is not all about running this race. You bought a huge house and your dream car to drive to work everyday. But then you realize that is not the life for which you were looking everywhere. This is not the life you thought all these successful people are living. 

Perhaps life is all about roaming around this world like wanderers. But at this point, i'm mature enough to understand that i can never become a nomad. I haven't studied all these courses so far in my life only to move around this world with no purpose. I haven't spent all these sleepless nights only to leave it all one day. But yet, something is missing in my life. I'm happy with my life, but still i'm not doing justice to every breath i take in present. I can do much more. 

These thoughts make me sad sometime, but i'm happy realizing that i'm not satisfied with what i've got. I want to explore more in this life. Perhaps i may be able to answer one day - what is life.

Life's goal

So what exactly drives our lives? Is it the number i discussed in my last post. People work their ass off to make it big and some die without even a single penny. Do we live to earn or earn to live?

One thing is pretty sure - I don't earn to live. If that would have been the case of my life, i wouldn't be working more than 3-4 hours a day to meet the ends. I work to earn and live. My work help me meet my needs and more importantly drives my life. I work to live and live to work. Every night when i go to sleep, i'm excited about the work i did that day; and even more excited thinking about the work i would do next day. I have some boring days in my schedule when things don't go as planned. But then i understand the financial side of my job too that it serves my needs.

But then the work which i do won't remain the same five years from now. Will it be adventurous enough to keep me tied? I'm the one who needs to find out and work towards it. I'm the one who needs to make it more adventurous as i move forward on my career path. Not everyone is lucky to love their jobs; but we can make it more exciting. There will always be some scope of improvement. That 'scope of improvement' drives my life.

April post

I can't believe it's been more than 6 months since my last post on this page. Yes, it's more of a disappointed feeling than a surprise one. This page was is the one where i express myself, and good thing is i never share it on Facebook. Somehow i never feel like sharing it on a social media. People who should know about what is happening with my life already know it. Once in a while somebody finds my blog profile and drops me an email or text praising my posts. Feels good, and will always be this way only.

These six months were just like those normal six-month periods where i had been sometimes trying too hard to understand life, sometimes trying hard to maintain my work-home balance, steady moving ahead in my professional life, trying to be more mature or at-least acting to be so. Many things happening all at one moment, yet there is a presence of calm in my life. This calm helps me to keep composure during tough times. Sometimes an opportunity would knock at the door, yet i have to ignore it keeping in mind the bigger goal of life. This bigger goal of life is more like how you prioritize the materialistic goals in your life. No matter how hard you try not to be a part of this rat-race, you eventually become one at some stage and upto some extent. I may not agree to be a part of it, but some goals in my life are present only due to this rat race. Yes, i'm still happy following these materialistic goals with my virtual bank balance.

This is a funny phenomena. You open a website to check a specific number (your bank balance), sometimes it makes you happy, sometimes sad. You go to a store, buy something big or small; that number goes down. After a month, the number again goes up. You buy a house and a car, that number would go down by some fix percentage every month for next 15-20 years. This number on a website drives our lives. Some are born with a huge number already on their website, some are born with none. Some work hard till their last breath to make it big; while some lose it too soon. But this number is all you've got in your life.

Perhaps i was working too hard to make it big in last six months, but i'll definitely try to post here more regularly. This is one of those hobbies, which won't die like your plants do if you don't water them. But I may lose my ability [if i have any] to express myself for my own sake.

The story of desk

So when i moved to Tampa last year after my marriage, i wanted a bigger wooden desk to setup my workstation at home. Since i would be working from home 3 days a week, i was never going to compromise with the dimensions or quality of the desk. During my masters, i had a huge wooden desk - and i was equally fond of it. But we parted ways after my graduation as it was too huge to carry over from Maine to Florida. Then i bought a nice big desk which served more than its purpose for next couple of years.

So last year around August, i started searching for a wooden desk online and by visiting stores (and this time more seriously since i would be using it a lot), but found none. To make things worse, my wife suggested me (or was it an order?) not to buy a very huge desk, as it would hinder walking in the room.Finally after going through all the tables available, i ordered one online. It seemed like a perfect fit for my room. And yes, it got placed perfectly in a small corner of my room, - but wasn't large enough to keep my two monitors together with laptop. You must be wondering how dare i insulted this nice table with such an illogical reasoning. Who in the world would place two monitors and a laptop together in a room? Yes, i do this. Same expressions were on my wife's face when i addressed my issues to her (not so very convincingly though). We decided to start using it as i couldn't afford even a day without it for my office work, besides we would keep an eye for a bigger and nicer desk.

It's been more than a year now. Every morning when i start using my laptop, i always think of replacing it with something better. Only God knows when that lucky day would come in my life. But using this not-so-big table has made me fond of it too. When i get up from this table after finishing some important project or some random work, i always appreciate the way it has served me for past one year without complaining of any wear-tear or anything. And yet I've always undervalued its worth in search for something better. Sometimes when i walk into my room to see this perfectly sized table well dressed with books and my monitors, i always cherish it.

But one fine day, i'll throw you out of my balcony for something bigger and nicer. Till then, be my guest.

The goal of life

I never believed in it earlier, but you can't deny when you feel it yourself. I find myself surrounded with so many successful persons in different walks of life. I try to imitate them (sometimes), i try to walk a step or two imagining myself in their shoes. Although i realize that i can never be them, and i don't want it either- But sometimes it's hard to resist copying someone (for a very brief moment).

When i imagine myself at someone else's place, i can see very clearly what i lack. It's not the talent because talent can't take you far. Perhaps five years ago, i couldn't understand what i'm lacking and where i really need to improve upon. I observe people (or at-least try to do so) to understand their mindset, how they could act so maturely in timely manner. And where exactly i lack. It could be a leadership trait, or a simple concept of programming. One trait which I've found common in all of these persons is the passion for their work. A passion, which is really hard to pen down on paper. You see the glimpses of this same passion in their eyes as well. I'm passionate for my work, but this passion lacks the intensity. The reason for this lack of intensity is lack of goal in life. I didn't choose this work which i'm doing so passionately. Is this what I've always wanted to do in life. This question does matter, but not really critical at this stage of my life. I feel content with what i do. Sometimes i do spend extra time to enhance my skill-sets. But i don't feel that passion for it. So the next question arises is what is the 'work' for which i feel most passionate. Honestly, i don't know the answer to it.

I've decided that i will find the answer to this question, no matter how hard or long it takes. Even if i would get the answer at the age of 40, i would spend the rest of my life working on what i'm most passionate about.

Contentment part-2

I talked about contentment in my last post about how i, as a kid, was more-or-less content with my life. I wouldn't say i had all the luxuries at my expense, but my parents gave me enough to make me feel fortunate. When i would see someone's parents working so hard as rickshaw-pullers or bus drivers, it made me realize the importance of every penny my parents had spent on me. Studying in a normal school (and not in convent) opened me up to all corners of world. Some kids from those corners where dogs were fed the cooked meat  at the weekend parties - while some from those corners where people ate the leftovers. When I would see kids sittings besides me wearing worn-out shoes, how in world could i muster the courage to ask my parents to get me a new pair of shoes simply because i'm fed up of wearing these for two months. I might muster the courage to ask my parents for another pair of shoes, and i might get one too. But my conscience would have felt ashamed next day sitting right next to that boy who still seemed happy in his old shoes.

As we grow up, these short stories get lost in this race to achieve some short-sighted goals of life. Once in a while, these memories would cross your mind when you see some kid walking down on road with bare feet under scorching sun. These memories would make you forget your worries to fix your car's AC or looking for a better apartment. But this moment doesn't last long. You forget all those faces of kids who once were your companions in school, but couldn't make it to an expensive college like yours. You might boast to snatch the credit by giving excuses of putting so many years of hard work, but deep down in your heart you also knew that those faces were more than capable of achieving what you have achieved in your life so far. Not pointing fingers towards anyone, i myself have forgotten so many faces which got lost in this race. I still vividly remember one such face, and i can say with all my belief that he would have got miles ahead of me in this race, had he gotten the luck with which i came into this world.

Such feelings make me realize the importance of everything i possess in my life. It makes me feel satisfied with whatever i possess. When i go to sleep at night, sometimes i smile and feel happier about the smallest of tasks which i completed that day. These small moments bring the joys of life which sometimes grand achievement fail to do..

Contentment

As you grow, this word takes new meanings in your life. When i was a kid (which i still am for my parents), this word was all about being happy with whatever I've got. Some kids went abroad for their summer vacations, some went to Goa, some went to visit their grand parents, some went to see snow at hill stations. Contentment was all about how many amazing stories i would be able to narrate to my friends about my vacation when we would get back together in school. While my friends narrated their stories of playing in snow, my mind wandered through those hills of mountains soaked in snow as if i was there for my vacation too. Such was the dreamy utopian world i lived in as a kid. I never complained if for any reason we didn't go anywhere for vacation, because i had belief that one day i would visit all these places from where friends had gotten these amazing tales of adventure. I was satisfied spending few weeks under the sweltering sun in my home backyard; because my belief had overcome the frustration of being at home all summers.

Satisfaction was all about being happy even if i couldn't score highest marks in my favorite subject. I used to be disappointed for a day or two, but it never lingered longer than that. The belief that i would get one more opportunity to score highest helped me to keep pace with time. Sometimes i think, we were more mature in our school time than we are now. We competed with our best friends for marks throughout the year, yet they were our best friends when it came to give one extra bite of chocolate on your birthday. You treated them with love and care. As we grew up, the competition got more stiff (or perhaps that's how you see it happening and in reality, it is same as it was a decade ago). Now you hardly talk about your personal matters with your work colleagues. You've a separate set of work and family friends. You celebrate one birthday in your office where you graciously acknowledge the warm wishes of your colleagues, and you open your heart out to your close friends later in evening. Life was never so tough a decade ago. How it became so selfish, or is it just me who has become selfish with time. Perhaps others are still alike your old school friends whom you trusted more than anyone in your life. Just like you, your colleagues too have got a separate set of close friends with whom they can crib about your shortcomings.

When you leave your work colleagues for a better opportunity (in terms of money or position), you miss them dearly just like you missed your school friends while parting ways after school. You miss your colleagues who were there for you when you got stuck in your work. You relish your office times which you spent with them learning new things, and how they were always so warm and polite with you. They might not hold you in good books, despite this fact they always greeted you with smile. They were not paid to be sweet to me at work, yet they did it voluntarily so that i could have a good day at work. Yet you never acknowledged it while you were there.

Same happened at every new step i took in my life, and same would happen in future too. So why can't i acknowledge the patience of others while they're in my life. After all life is too short to hold grudges against anyone. Make sure you hold them close to your hearts who treated you so dearly at any step in your life. It may not take you to heights in your career or double your income, but it surely will bring some contentment in your life. 

My frame

Many times we come across people in buses or trains generalizing the mindset of society in one liners like - We, Indians, can never be honest in dealing financial matters. It may be true or may not be so, but i'm not going to judge people or our society here. Been here in US for more than four years now, I've come across this question many times. For instance, once my fellow traveler while coming to India said something like 'As soon as you reach Asia, you find noisy people boarding planes and creating chaos everywhere'. I didn't react to his sudden outburst, but passed a smile. As an Asian myself (not sure what exactly is the criteria for being called an Asian, and for how long can i continue to be one of them), i was in agreement that Asian people posses less patience compared to their western fellows. But this perception is also confined to only what i've experienced so far at airports. Neither am i an avid traveler nor a visionary that one should believe what i perceive as right or wrong in my frame of world.

But then question arises - Is it really so? And if yes, why is it so?

One fine morning i was walking down my hotel's elevator in New York. I was in a hurry for a meeting at one of our client's office which was ten blocks away from my hotel. As i came out of my elevator, an old lady was standing besides the door carrying a heavy suitcase. Before she could move her feet to get near it, people around her rushed into the elevator and there was no space for her again. Next elevator came to a halt. One pack exited and another entered the elevator with same intensity and she was standing still at her place. I approached her to ask if i could lend her a helping hand to which she graciously agreed.

Due to this incident, i got late for my scheduled appointment. But the contentment of helping someone took over the little disappointment caused by being late. The same question arises- Do Asians posses less patience than their western counterparts? Not really in this frame of world.

------
Update May 15th

The intent for the above writing was to showcase that people are same all around the world with some differences in terms of culture, race, religion, habits - But when it comes to survival, all react in same manner. We all will do what we deem is beneficial for us. Then we think of our loved ones, and then society. One can't compare the skills or habits of two persons who have been brought up in two different worlds all together. This is a great shame that it still occurs so commonly in this world. So, next time you're about to make a judgement on a person based upon his/her looks, clothes or color- think twice.